Electoral Consequences

Episode One
by Harry Hayfield

"REPORT!" screeched Davros as the image screen resolved into the image of an Imperial Dalek

"WE HAVE CAPTURED THE HUMAN AS REQUESTED AND HAVE IMPREGNATED HIM WITH DALEK MIND CONTROL UNIT"

"Excellent" said Davros, a smile crossing his face, he flicked a switch and the human came into view. Davros asked him who he was

"My name is Governor George W. Bush of Texas and I will serve Davros till I am exterminated"

"Report" said the Cyber Leader

"It is done" reported the Cyber Lieutenant."The human has been treated and will follow our every whim"

"Good" said the Cyber Leader, looking at his control panel, reading the information on their captive

"Vice President Al Gore, elected in 1992"

"WARNING, TEMPORAL ANOMALY REPORTED" screeched the Imperial Dalek

"Where?" asked the Cyber Leader

"Washington, DC" said the Lieutenant

"IT IS THE DOCTOR" screeched Davros "EXTERMINATE AT THE FIRST CHANCE"

"You know what to do, if you see the Doctor" said the Cyber Leader.

The Lieutenant nodded and left.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Two
by Trivial Keithy

The TARDIS materialised in an unobtrusive alley. It's two occupants hurried out, one of them wore a silly scarf while the other wore a sort of school uniform, complete with straw boater hat.

"Where are we?" Romana asked the Doctor.

"The United States of America I'm afraid. We may as well have a look around now that we're here."

Unknown to the two time travellers the blank face of a Cyberman watched their every move.

The TARDIS materialised in a dark alley way. It's two occupants hurried out. One of them wore a silly headscarf while the other sported a pair of dungarees and a leather jacket.

"Where are we?" Hannah asked the Doctor.

"The United States of America of course. Don't you recognise your own capital city? Hey we can hit a couple of mall's while we're here."

Unknown to the two time travellers a Dalek eyestalk watched their every move.

The Doctor and Romana hurried down 42nd Street, skipping as they went.

The Doctor and Hannah strolled down 42nd Street, singing as they went.

"YOU!" The Doctor's exclaimed to each other as they bumped into each other.

"Wow!" Hannah gawped at Romana. "Result. Hang on it's Romana before she... oh we can't say what happens in the future can we?"

Romana smiled politely at the strange girl. "Certainly not. I could change the future by avoiding or seizing whatever knowledge I gain of the future."

"Cup of tea Doctor?" The 13th Doctor asked her 4th Persona.

"Delighted." The Fourth Doctor replied. "Jelly Baby?"

"Ta." The 13th Doctor picked a red one.

"No, this cannot be!" Davros exclaimed. "Two Doctors!"

"This is unfortunate." The Cyberleader stated. "Two Doctors... tricky."

It was more or less at this point that the first head to head debate between Al Gore and George Bush Junior was scheduled to begin. The topic, immigration policy.

"Proceed." The Cyberleader ordered.

"Get on with it you fool." Davros ranted.

Al Gore looked at George Bush and laughed. "We'll win this one thanks to Cybertechnology."

George Bush chuckled. "The Daleks will win this battle." He mused.

The Doctor and the Doctor exchanged recipes for used tea bags while Hannah failed miserably to chat Romana up.

Loosing interest in Romana Hannah spotted a Dalek. "Hey, what has blue spots and is coming this way?" She asked.

"Is this another chat up line?" Romana asked.

"DALEK!" Hannah shouted as the silver and blue creature opened fire. "Run for it. Last one to escape is hot wings."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Three
by Harry Hayfield

"REPORT" shrieked Davros

"HUMAN BUSH IS IN LEAD IN POLLS. 95% PROBABILITY HUMAN WILL WIN"

"Excellent" said Davros, "When he is elected he will install me as Vice President after a "tragic" accident befalls Dick Cheney. Is the "accident" ready?"

"AFFIRMATIVE!"

"Losing by 9%!"

The Cyberleader read the report. He turned to his human puppet and delivered an chilling message

"Win the next debate, or see your family become Cybermen!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Four
by Trivial Keithy

The Doctor grabbed his companions hand and dragged her to safety, only to discover a few minutes later that he had the wrong one. "You're not Romana." He said. "I wonder what happened to her?" He stared boggled eyed into the camera for a few lingering seconds.

"No, I'm Hannah. Romana is the blonde one." Hannah looked at the Doctor's strange outfit. "I'm glad to see your dress sense improves when you become my Doctor."

"What's wrong with good comfortable clothes?" The Doctor wondered.

"It's a hot summer's day." Hannah protested. "You must be roasting alive under that lot."

"We Time Lords do not feel the weather as you do young lady." The Doctor gave Hannah a toothy grin.

"Yeah... right." Hannah bit her lip. She couldn't explain her past history to the Doctor without causing a massive paradox.

The blonde Time Ladies skipped quickly away from the Dalek straight into the middle of the Cyberman's planning session.

"Ooops." The Doctor stated, quickly raising her hands in the air. "Tell me are you year 2000 compliant?"

Davros hissed and swore. "Now they have a Time Lord. I must have one to fight the Cybermen on a level playing field. Capture me the one with the scarf and the hat. Bring the girl too, she may be of some use later on in case we need a plan B."

"I OBEY." The Black Dalek led its squad of Daleks out onto the streets of Washington.

Davros turned back to George Bush Jnr. "Now we will discuss the next topic of debate. Security. I have specific and very detailed notes of your proposals. They make for fascinating reading. You will learn them by tomorrow night or your family will be exterminated!"

Hannah looked at the Doctor. "What are you looking at?" She asked him.

"There's a Dalek gunstick in my back Hannah." He replied.

"I hope the dirty old Dalek keeps his sucker arm off my body. I'm not that way inclined." Hannah yelped when the other Daleks surrounded her. "Ok, ok I surrender. Just don't touch me or anything."

"YOU WILL COME WITH US." The Black Dalek instructed.

"I don't think so." Hannah stated.

"FOLLOW US OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!"

"Oh follow you. Sorry I got confused." Hannah followed the Doctor's pace as the Daleks led them back to the Bush campaign HQ.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Five
by Harry Hayfield

With the Doctors now working for their respective campaigns both candidates were neck and neck as election day dawned. The Doctor and Romana were brought before their captor.

"GOOD MORNING DOCTOR" said Davros

"Hiya, big boy" replied the Doctor

"Doctor, please!" said Romana. The Doctor ignored her "Is that a Dalek sucker arm down there or are you just pleased to see me!"

"SILENCE" shouted Davros "YOU ARE STILL PRISONERS OF THE DALEKS. YOU WILL BE ESCORTED BACK TO YOUR TARDIS AND GO TO THESE CO-ORDINATES"

A Dalek glided up to the Doctor and gave her a sheet of paper.

"GO!" commanded Davros and the Doctor was led away

"And what about me?" asked Romana

"I HAVE PLANS FOR YOU!" screeched Davros

*****

"Your work has been excellent, Doctor!" said the Cyberleader. "Our puppet is within breathing distance of the White House!"

"But, why?" asked Hannah

"Let me guess" said the Doctor "It wouldn't have anything to do with a certain missile system would it?"

"You know ..."

"Your ways, yes, I've heard that before!"

"Take the Doctor back to his TARDIS and take him here". The Cyberleader handed the Doctor a sheet of paper.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Six
by Trivial Keithy

The Doctor looked at the piece of paper now that she was back inside the cosy console room. She was glad that the Persian carpet stopped the Dalek from gaining access to the TARDIS. Quickly she closed the doors before the poor thing could think for itself and hurt itself. The co-ordinates were very familiar, Miami Florida. The very city where she had met Hannah two years ago, as the chronometer ticks.

The Doctor nearly tripped over his scarf as he walked into the TARDIS. It would have been comical if it were not for the fact that he had been pushed by a zealous Cyberman. "I say, you shouldn't ought to do that." Quickly he flicked several switches on the TARDIS console. "Come on old girl." He urged the type 40 to hurry as an intricate web of gold strands wrapped around the Cyberman as it passed into the TARDIS. "That's foiled your plans Cyber Lieutenant." He stared intently into the foreground. "What do you do now Doctor?" He asked himself. "Have a look at the paper Doctor." He answered himself and did so. He gasped, "why there?"

The Doctor had an idea, deftly she put immaculately manicured pink fingernails to her temple and concentrated. "Contact" she said after a few seconds.

The Doctor started to unwind his long, long scarf from around his neck when suddenly he felt the need to put his hands over his ears. "Contact" he echoed his future self.

The two Doctors met inside a mental landscape. They were seated at a table. On the table there were two cups and one tea pot.

"Ah there I am." The younger Doctor gasped.

"I'm glad to meet me again." The older Doctor smiled and picked the teapot up. "Would I like some tea?" She asked her younger self.

The younger Doctor grinned, showing off tombstone like teeth. "I really think you would."

She poured him a large cup before filling her own cup. "Isn't it rare that one gets to meet oneself like this? Usually we're in trouble and there just isn't time for the niceties."

The younger Doctor nodded at his older self's words. "How true Doctor, how very true." He sipped his tea. "There's no milk in this Doctor."

The Doctor looked inside her own cup, indeed milk was missing but she couldn't remember why. "I wonder why we forgot the milk hmmm? Why can't we remember?"

The Doctor tipped his cup upside down and nothing fell out of it. "How strange, it normally goes over my shoes when I do that."

The Doctor tried turning her cup upside down, a fine white power trickled out of it. She tried shaking it and the trickle turned into a deluge of sugar cubes. "I think we need a plan Doctor." She said at last, putting the willow pattern cup back down on her saucer.

"I think I'm right." The Doctor agreed with his other self. "Why don't we..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Seven
by Harry Hayfield

"This is the Gallifreyan Mental Exchange. To continue this call please deposit one Borusa!"

The Doctor tipped his hat and left the tea party

"Damn Privatisation!" he said as he opened the TARDIS doors.

A blast of warm air filled the console room and the Doctor walked out to be greeted by glorious sunshine.

"Mm!" she said "Suntan!"

The crowds outside the Florida state office were getting more and more fractious.

"RE-VOTE! RE-VOTE!" shouted the Democrats

"BUSH WINS!" shouted the Republicans

The Doctor flashed her winning smile at the guard and entered.

"Well I never" said the Doctor tipping his hat "We meet again!"

"Indeed we do" said the Doctor. "Shall we join the counting?"

"Why not!" said the Doctor pointing the way

"DOCTOR!" screeched a voice

"Doctor!" said a metallic voice

The Doctors turned to see Davros and the Cyber leader behind them

"THE DOCTOR HAS BETRAYED US!"

"Eliminate the Doctor!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Eight
by blamelewis

Tony Blair put the finishing touches to the Document he was preparing, and hit "send" with a grin of glee stamped all over his mush...

Just as the Doctors were about to be destroyed by The Daleks and the Cybermen, a nearby fax machine started spewing out pages of text... Davros wheeled himself over and ripped the sheets away, reading the message with a choking sound of shock...

Just then, the sounds of marching booted feet and helicopters landing became apparent. Every PA system crackled into life and the message from the fax machine was broadcast to the entire nation...

"To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy."

The loudspeakers crackled into silence, and the assembled aliens stood still, looking unclear as to what to do next...

The Two Doctors simultaneously whispered:

"When I say run, run...
...RUN!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Nine
by Harry Hayfield

The two Doctors ran back to their TARDISes, each dematerialising at the same time.

As the sunset over London, there was a groaning noise in Downing Street, two police boxes appeared either side of Number 10.

"Oi" said the policeman on duty "You can't park there"

The Doctor exited the TARDIS and flashed her legs at the policeman while the Doctor held his head in his hands.

"Go right in" said the policeman.

The Doctors entered the Cabinet Room and gasped, as the PM's chair spun round to reveal ...

"Ah, my dear Doctors, how did you figure it out so soon? MWAHHHAHHHAHHAHH!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Ten
by Trivial Keithy

"Bill Clinton?" The 4th Doctor asked, his eyeballs popping out on stalks like they have never done before.

"Doctor," Clinton began before seeing there were two of them. "Doctors. Hillary and I have thought a great deal about this and to continue the Democrats fair rule of the United States we have bought out the United Kingdom."

"Hi Bill." The 13th Doctor waved casually, looking about the room nervously. "I'll send you the dry cleaning bill yeah?"

Bill Clinton smiled at the female incarnation of the Doctor. "Now I know you have a few questions, but I can honestly say with total conviction that this is the best way. Not only do we get the Queen, god bless her, to carry the can when we screw your economy up but my dear daughter Chelsea can go to your wonderful Cambridge University."

The 4th Doctor started to play nervously with his scarf. "What about Romana? And that strange girl my other me drags around with her?"

"Hannah." The 13th Doctor prompted her younger self.

Bill Clinton stood up and zipped his trouser fly up. "Rest assured that this merger can only be stopped by a sword wielding maniac dressed in a kilt and sporting a red wig."

On cue Russ Abbot burst through the office window, dressed in a kilt, silly red wig and wielding a sword maniacally. "See you Billy." He shouted. "The Scottish National Party here by makes it known that we rule all you wee Sassenachs by right of conquest."

"Oh dear." The 13th Doctor gasped. "Not the SNP as well?" She almost fainted but showed great pluck and determination for the Sky News cameras.

The 4th Doctor shook his head. "All this over a handful of votes. I do wish people would make their minds up about these things. I'm from Gallifrey, in the constellation of Kasterborous and we know exactly what we're doing when we elect our President."

"Indeed." The 13th Doctor nodded. "They elected you."

"That's right." The 4th Doctor grinned and looked directly into the Sky News cameras. "Only the sonic screwdriver can get us out of this one." He searched his pockets. "I know it's here somewhere."

The 13th Doctor showed the sonic screwdriver to Clinton. "Look Bill, it's got FOUR settings!"

The 4th Doctor confiscated the sonic device from his older self. "Lets see what happens when I press this..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Eleven
by Harry Hayfield

The phone rang and Clinton answered it.

"What, no, Bush has won. My candidate has been defeated?"

He put the phone down and stared at the Doctors.

"NOOOOOO!" he screamed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode Twelve
by Trivial Keithy

Bill Clinton, ruler of the 'free' world stood up and sent the 13th Doctor falling to the floor just as she had made herself comfortable too. "Zis is intolerable!" He shouted and hit an aide in the face with a frying pan. "Mein plan vas perfect. I zout nushing in ze verld could schtopp me now! How wrong I vas."

The 4th Doctor helped his older and prettier (only after a recount) self to her feet. "Come on Doctor, we should leave now."

"We can't!" The 13th Doctor exclaimed. "There are two vast armies of Daleks and Cybermen out there that need some serious defeating."

"You take on the Cybermen and I'll tangle with the Daleks." The 4th Doctor exclaimed with a laugh.

"Better not." The 13th Doctor shook her long blonde head and posed for a few photographs. "I have a history with the Cybermen and we need them again next year."

"Even better!" The 4th Doctor set off to find the TARDIS and some toasted crumpets in need of butter and jam.

"Call me." The Doctor said to Bill Clinton as she left Number Ten and headed for her TARDIS.

"DOCTOR!" The Dalek Supreme gasped in surprise."WE HAVE ARRESTED DAVROS FOR HAVING A GOOD IDEA."

"Jolly good work!" The Doctor patted the Dalek on it's cranial casing. "Now be a dear and please don't take over the Earth?" She listened to it's demands.

"WE WILL VACATE THE EARTH IF WE POSE TOGETHER IN PLAYBOY. YOU WILL THEN RETIRE AND BECOME A DALEK DOCTOR."

The Doctor considered her options before pushing the Dalek Supreme into the Earth's magnetic core thanks to a convenient mine shaft in the centre of the Dalek's base. "Too bad about Playboy, maybe next time?" Quickly she rescued her companion who had been subdued by having a bag placed over her head!

"Doctor!" The Cyber Leader intoned emotionlessly. "We have been expecting your arrival and have converted our candidate to serve us more efficiently when we try again in four years time."

"Well, next time he'll have some personality and win more than just the popular vote." The Doctor tripped over another chalk line as he rescued his companion from becoming the Cyber First Lady. "I don't think silver is your colour Romana." He explained to her.

"Oh well." She sighed. "Maybe you'll have better luck next time." Romana winked at Cyber Gore.

Bill Clinton casually walked out of Number Ten and into his calana. The spaceship lifted off like a whisper and soared up into the sky and then the vacuum of space. Its destination, the planet Draconia where he was meeting his half-brother Tony Blair later on for a game of tennis.

The End.

